Panacea
by rockfreak1
Summary: Challenge response, based on the line It's a fast way to the beginning of the end it's easy to pretend.


Footsteps echoed away softly. The creak of a door opening and muffled voices. River kept her eyes shut firmly concentrating on the sounds around her. Another creak and the door was closed. No matter how far she pressed her hearing she couldn't tell what was going on inside the room. It didn't mean she couldn't guess. The sheet she had wrapped around herself lnded gracefully on the floor when she cast it off. Her feet touched the ground and she walked out off her room. She walked in silence: her bare feet didn't make a sound. Her eyes were still shut but she walked with determination. One arm was reaching out to her left, grazing the wall. When she reached her destination she stopped. She leaned in to the door, preesing her ear towards it, intent on hearing all that was going on. Her heart raced at the sound of the two people inside. It was as if she could not only hear what they were doing but feel it in her marrow. Her bones were aching and she pressed her entire body against the door. Her hands slowly moving against the smooth surface. The room was imminating warmth and there was no doubt in her mind that the pair inside were completely occupied with themselves and their love making.She turned her back to the door and sank to the floor. Her ear was still pressed against the metal but her hands were now wrapped around her knees. She sat this way, completely immobilized until she could feel no warmth from within the room. Her eyes now open she rose and walked back to her room. As she layon her bed she knew she her dreams would be filled with pictures of what happened inside the room. Only instead of Kaylee, Simon would be holding her.

"Where were you last night?" Simon was startled by his sister's question. He turned away from her pretending it gave him better access to the medication he was mixing as he contemplated the best answer to her inquiry.

"I, um, was in my room."

"No you weren't." Her tone was flat and her voice had a sharp edge. Simon felt as if she was physically trying to hurt him."I had a bad dream. I had a bad dream and you weren't there."

She knew immediatly she had struck a nerve, Simon stiffened dispite the fact that River could not see his face she could tell that he had grown uncomfortable. She still knew how to work him. She still knew how to make him respond the way she wanted him too. But most importantly he still cared.

"I guess that must've been when I was in the bathroom." And although Simon attempted to sound aloof and neutral he could feel his voice tremble as it escaped his lips. He poured the tonic he'd prepared into three vialsand one small glass. He handed River the glass and made sure she drank the liquid. After sweeping the grey content River stretched out her hand and waited for Simon to take the glass. As he took it he glanced at her and saw that her eyes were digging into his. It was as if she had become a statue. Her body was erect and still but her eyes were burning. She looked away suddenly.

"It's not working."

"You just haven't gotten used to it yet River, I can see the effects."

"It is working. But _it _isn't the drug." Simon's skin tingled at her words, the fine hair on his arms rising as he could see goose bumps appear. He rolled down his sleeves and returned the vials to their placeholders in the fridge.

Simon's breathing was shallow. River could see his eyes moving rapidly beneath his eyelids. _Rapid eye movement., s_he said to herself. Simon didn't move in his sleep. He never did. The green silk linen covered half his torso and River could see his chest rising slightly with each thin breath. She placed her hand on his chest trying to feel his heartbeat. It was slow and steady and she tried to imagine how it would feel against her body. The safety it would imply. She knew he stayed in his room tonight because of their conversation. If he awoke to one of her attacks she was certain that he would stay in his room at least two more nights, perhaps even three. She glanced at Simon's peacuful face before returning to the door. She laid down on the floor and started to whimper his name. She knew that she could not be too loud or else the rest of the boat would wake and her efforts would be in vain. She kept repeating his name, each time a little louder and with more desperation until he stirred. She sobbed and dragged herself further into the room. Her eyes were wide and moved rapidly in all directions. As soon as Simon became conscious he jouned her onb the floor holding her tight, shushing her and stroking her hair.

"It's ok River, you're safe. It's me Simon, you're home. Shhh."

River grew limp in his arms and Simon kissed her on the head. She kept speaking incoherently but much calmer now.

"You need some sleep River." The air of peacefulness he had on his face whilst sleeping was gone, every muscle in his face was tense and his eyes were filled with worry. River didn't like making him feel like this but it was the only way that she could ever be close to him. No matter how clever she was she couldn't foretell what would happen if Simon knew what her cure was and why she – despite appearing to be better – continued to have random outbreaks.

Simon led her to the bed and wrapped the linen around her shoulders. She still seemed dissheveled, trembling slightly but when Simon moved towards his desk chair pulling it out and placing it near the bed River spoke with complete clarity;

"I don't want to be alone."

And then she returned to her her previous state, mumbling and making small erratic movements. Simon hesitated at first. He wasn't sure is what she said was a response to something she had imagined or if she was actually speaking to him. But when she spoke her eyes had once again taken on the burning property they did when she was dead serious and he decided that she must've been speaking to him. He laid down on the bed with his chest to her back and could feel his sister relaxing at once. At least this way he would be aware if she had another nightmare immediately.

When River woke Simon was gone. She placed her hand on the spot where he had lain but it wasn't warm. He had been up a while. River spread out on the bed and though her body was still her mind was racing. Part of her was ecstatic over the fact that she had spent the night with Simon. Another part of her was gnawing because it happened under a false pretense and they did nothing but sleep. River knew that she could never actually be with Simon and if she told him that she was better _because_ of him their relationship would fall apart quickly. He would pretend that everything was fine at first but he would soon lean more and more on Kaylee and he would eventually abandon her. And since he was her panacea her mental health would deteriorate quickly. As soon as she uttered those words to him the end would begin, and would approach with speed. So she would keep riding this carousel of pretend not only because it was the easy thing to do but because it was the only way that she could ever be near him.


End file.
